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Shhh….Grief

I haven’t written on my blog in a long time. Work, my doctorate, but most importantly love has consumed the last eight months of my life.

I recently found out I was pregnant. Close friends know that this is joyous news for me, as I was told I had “unexplained infertility” and I had accepted the fact that I may never be a mother. One could imagine after that process, the feeling of pregnancy over-joyed me…in fact, I probably shared it with too many people, too early, because I was already falling in love with this baby and it just slipped out and a smile always accompanied the deliverance of the news. Similar to wanting to share when you first meet someone.

This last weekend, I went to Arizona to see the man of my dreams and father to my baby. On Saturday, I decided to go to the outlet mall while he was coaching baseball. During my shopping experience I casually got in line for the bathroom. When it was my turn to go I realized I was bleeding. I said out loud, “oh no God.” After leaving the restroom I sat quietly on a chair in the main area of the outdoor mall. Activity slowly floated all around me. Children laughing, families chatting, people walking. I then ordered an Uber. A nice man from India showed up. About half-way through a quiet ride I asked him to take me to the hospital instead of my hotel. He took me to the ER. He dropped me off…but then about twenty minutes later I saw him at the receptionist counter asking if I was going to be well taken care of. An angel.

During that ER visit I found out our baby’s heart had stopped beating. I had lost my baby.

I didn’t believe them. The grieving began. Jamar rushed to the hospital from his game. They did another ultrasound with Jamar there. I couldn’t look but he did. I looked at Jamar’s face while he looked at the monitor, and his eyes got bigger and I felt sadness through them.

The baby stayed inside me, while the soul floated to heaven, and I had a surgery to get it properly removed three days later after we traveled home.

The doctor who did the surgery, Dr. Ward, showed me compassion with a very deep level of knowledge. Right before the surgery I thanked the doctors for their education. When I was a school teacher, a Hmong mother thanked me for my education and that has always stuck with me. I am grateful for how hard they worked to make sure I was okay.

I chose to share my story because I have been searching for healing stories on the internet–I have read countless blogs. Women deal with this in private and many of them. That is the social norm and almost expected. Beyonce shared her story, she is brave and I admire her for that. I reflected on that and thought that maybe my story could heal another heart,

…or by writing it out I could give more life to my baby’s short time.

There are many people who have really helped me on this journey. From an Uber driver, to my staff who have taken over everything for my job for a week, my parents and family, our pastor who has quickly replied to our emails, and mostly the father of this baby–who has a loss too.

Our baby has gone to heaven. He has joined Jamar’s dad and many others. Now we will begin heart healing. I hope to be a mom in the future but I don’t want to minimize this life. We gained an angel…. and grief is an emotion that needs to be shared to heal. Grief is everywhere and my heart has become softer and more compassionate to women and men who have gone through loss of a child, for that I am grateful.



Shared on 2017-10-10 21:25:34.

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